Trying to Make Things Better
It is uncomfortable when someone you love is hurting. Our instinct is often to try to help and fix things by finding the right words, solution or action. There is a real temptation to reassure and persuade them, and ourselves, that things aren’t as bad as they may seem.
I’ve been reminded of this myself recently, but I consciously avoided trying to make things better. I paused and asked myself: if I were them, how would I want someone to respond to me?
I realised that helping someone doesn’t always mean trying to make things better. Sometimes it means simply being with them while things are hard.
Validation is Not Agreement
I have been fortunate enough to have had some great counsellors and therapists at various points in my adult life. What I remember from those interactions isn’t what we talked about, but more how we talked and how that made me feel.
They listened and acknowledged my experiences and feelings without trying to agree, disagree or change them. They validated what I was thinking and feeling. They heard me and allowed me to truly feel what I was feeling, without adding layers of reasoning or rationalising.
I talked honestly and they simply listened. It was incredibly freeing.
Being genuinely heard was empowering. And, for me, it was often the first step towards being able to move forward and work out what came next.
I remembered this recently when I was with loved ones. So I listened without an agenda to fix or solve. I listened and heard them, allowing me to validate their experiences without needing to agree with their perspective.
I knew I couldn’t fix what they were facing. And instead of getting caught up in worrying that I couldn’t, I felt a sense of freedom that I didn’t need to try.
Stop Trying to Fix
Knowing that I couldn’t fix or change the reality of their situation empowered me to be more present and open. It enabled me to validate their experience in that moment.
If I had been focused on fixing, I would have been distracted by trying to problem-solve. Accepting that I couldn’t change anything meant I could really be with them.
I could listen rather than negotiate. I could be curious rather than persuasive.
They had my time and attention. And you know what? It helped. They felt heard, understood and perhaps a little less alone.
Sometimes being there can feel like doing nothing. But when someone is hurting, having someone listen, stay alongside them and let them know they don’t have to hold that feeling alone can mean everything.
We Can Do the Same for Ourselves
It’s not just with other people that we have that instinct to fix, solve or jump into action. We do it with ourselves too.
When we feel tired, sad, disappointed, worried or overwhelmed, it isn’t uncommon to immediately attempt to reason ourselves out of those feelings. We might tell ourselves that things aren’t really that bad, that we should be coping better, or that we simply need to get on with things.
But when we dismiss what we’re feeling, we lose the opportunity to understand what those feelings might be telling us.
Sometimes we are toughest on ourselves. But it is in these moments that self-compassion can help us understand ourselves better. Instead of judging and trying to get rid of uncomfortable feelings, we can become curious about them.
When we allow ourselves to really notice how we are feeling and experience those thoughts and sensations without judgement, we can begin to understand ourselves a little better. Our feelings give us information. They can tell us something about what we need.
And feelings aren’t always neat. We can experience seemingly conflicting emotions at the same time. We can be grateful and tired, relieved and sad, hopeful and worried, excited and nervous. One feeling doesn’t have to cancel another out.
We can acknowledge our emotions without letting them take over. We can let a feeling be real without needing to make it stay.
Before we try to change something, it is helpful to acknowledge what is actually there. We don’t need to change how we feel before we can care for ourselves.
Pause. Breathe. Notice.
Maybe being kind to ourselves isn’t always about making ourselves feel better. Perhaps sometimes it’s about staying alongside ourselves while something feels difficult.
It’s allowing ourselves that moment to acknowledge whatever is going on for us. Maybe today was tough. Maybe we feel things we don’t want to. Maybe there are several emotions swirling around inside us and we can’t quite make sense of them yet.
Sometimes it might be difficult to name the feelings or emotions, and that’s OK too. When that happens, notice the sensations in your body or the thoughts in your mind.
Pause. Breathe. Notice.
Give yourself a moment to have a moment.
Perhaps being alongside ourselves simply means listening to what is there, without immediately trying to change it.
Sometimes the most valuable thing we can give ourselves and others isn’t an answer or a solution, but our time, attention and presence.
Sometimes being there is enough.
Where in your life could you stop trying to make things better for a moment, and simply be with things as they are?
A Little More Space for You
If this idea of pausing, noticing and being a little more present with yourself resonates with you, my 5 Day Gentle Return to Yourself is a simple place to begin.
Over five days, you’ll be invited to pause, notice and reconnect with yourself through gentle prompts and small moments of reflection. There’s nothing to achieve and no perfect way to do it. Just a little time and space to check in with yourself and notice what you might need.